My Journey

If I take the years from one to twenty,
almost half my life on earth,
I should remember happiness and joy,
not loneliness and fear.
My accomplishments were measured with A’s and B’s
and books and art,
Not with friendships, love or trust,
The feelings were all negative,
though I tried hard to change that course,
But when I tried I did the wrong things.
I was too needy to impose boundaries,
I was too naive to know even how.
I learned how to bury my emotions
when others wounded or betrayed me.
I dealt with only the surface pain,
the attached emotions weren’t welcome,
They existed only among my shadows.
But I can now speak of the acts and issues,
new memories still surface now and then,
Pandora’s box has been opened,
feelings and emotions now spill forth.
I feel them but can’t always label them,
like a blind person struggling to “see” a cloud.

The blame lies with those who hurt me,
and I see how vulnerable I was.
With no love, no support and no protection,
the candle’s flame will die.
This happened to me and I was left in a lonely darkness,
I didn’t choose the darkness;
it was forced upon me,
So they stole away my childhood,
they killed my spirit and emotions,
They invaded my boundaries;
they left behind a pile of dirt and fear,
Whether their acts were ignorant or criminal,
They were responsible for what they did,
They all abandoned me to the demons,
that came to lurk within my soul.
I was thrust into an adult world,
but the only parenting I’d had was my own.

So I was born when I was twenty,
into a world of stress, despair and mental ills,
I was too busy simply coping to grieve what I had lost,
I didn’t know how to recognize the need to grieve,
My empty self grew strong and took over,
Determined that my childhood ambition
would become my major reality,
I would be different from my family;
I sacrificed myself for my success,
What I’ve lost is gone forever;
I can never rebuild my past.
Those entrusted with my care
stole my past before it could happen,
Good memories and healthy emotions
never had a chance to grow.
This empty shell could never blossom,
but I will not blame myself.
A part of me did the best that it could,
I did not have the power to change my parents,
Or change the evil men who sexually abused me.

6/5/98

Still Searching

I was a victim through most stages of my life,
If a person told me to do, without retort I simply did.
Though born with free will, I lost mine while still a child,
To the devastating realities of sexual abuse.

After a year of therapy I'm still not nearly there,
To where I can confidently enforce my boundaries,
and accept the horrible and criminal knowledge,
That I was an unwitting victim of cruel men.

I lost all sense of myself and my personal reality,
I was not present when these men abused me,
But even more tragic, I escaped during happy times too,
My conscious held the memories, my emotions were lost and buried.

A pattern developed within the hollow shell of my body,
I continued steadily forward along the path of my life,
Experiencing the events but not the feelings, the fears or the joys,
Nor pride or disgust, shame or respect - my soul was empty.

1/4/98

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