My Journey

I had a rough beginning,
I was on my own too much,
With no adults to offer guidance,
And no protection from abuse.

But on my own I conquered,
Assured of my goal to survive,
I never saw the nicks in my armor,
Until I was past forty-five.

But now I have started to suffer,
My decisions are hard to make,
My self-esteem was shattered,
Before I was even five.

I surely didn’t know then,
So intent was I to grow,
That I dwelt amongst terrible shadows,
That stayed with me, as I now know.

They’ve stayed with me through adulthood,
These shadows that I never see,
They result from neglect and sexual abuse,
They have become an integral part of me.

It’s time that I search and find them,
I must confront them eye to eye,
And ask why they’ve stolen my emotions,
Why they won’t let me feel anger or cry.

Sometimes I imagine frightening monsters,
But then wonder if the shadow is me,
Struggling through dark forests of shame,
The only world the small child could see.

This child survived the bad times,
She somehow knew what she had to do,
She adapted to the events around her,
Her persona thickened as she grew.

As she proceeded in her shameful world,
She buried past stepping stones deep,
It was better to try not to remember,
So few memories she wanted to keep.

Something happened on toward adulthood,
As her mistakes piled high all around her,
She’d protected her developing mistress,
From emotions too frightening to share.

The mistress, who is me, now feels empty,
My body is too often numb,
My mind battles so hard to remember.
Still my emotions and feelings won’t come.

I refuse to blame a small child,
Or even the teenager I became,
These young people bore the brunt of the heartbreak,
While the adult me enjoyed a taste of fame.

I am respected, admired, and looked up to,
I can’t help but be proud of this mask,
But I am lonely and sad beneath it,
The child has the answers I lack.

It is sad when my body shakes and shivers,
And I can’t say why, how or where,
It’s wrong when I let people use me,
When my indignation and anger are not there.

Though I’ve raised a wonderful family,
And have a husband who loves me so dear,
I continue to shut out the rest of the world,
And I think maybe the reason is clear,

The shame that I’ve felt all my life,
Has smothered the child who was me,
I’ve left her sink into that awful morass,
It was easier that taking her with me.

I left her and other stages of me,
Alone in that dark, shadowed land,
They remind me of mistakes and failures,
Which were committed when I could still feel.

Now I am selfish and want to feel again,
I know what is missing from my life,
I doubt the path will be an easy one,
Certainly there will be much strife.

I must work this all through in my safe place,
And again in my own mind as well,
And bring these children out of hiding,
Introducing them to my adult world.

Then, if I’m lucky, they’ll accept me,
Who for so long has not accepted them,
They’ll see I’m not such a bad person,
That I have left my own small trail of good.

They might then feel safe to share with me
The emotions they’ve held in safekeeping,
For the first time there’ll be understanding,
And a richness that I’ve never known.

Image the wonderful progress to be made,
If I cooperate with all these parts of myself,
And work through unspeakable mistakes we’ve all made,
Using acceptance and understanding, not blame,

In a safe place away from all harm..

9/4/97

previous page .....next page

My Journey

I had a rough beginning, I was on my own too much, With no adults to offer guidance, And no protection from abuse.

I had a rough beginning,
I was on my own too much,
With no adults to offer guidance,
And no protection from abuse.